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Jun 26

Flipsyde

Please accept my apologies, wonder what would have been

Would you’ve been a little angel or an angel of sin?

Tom-boy running around, hanging with all the guys.

Or a little tough boy with beautiful brown eyes?

I payed for the murder before they determined the sex

Choosing our life over your life meant your death

And you never got’a chance to even open your eyes

Sometimes I wonder as a foetus if you faught for your life?

Would you have been a little genius in love with math?

Would you have played in your school clothes and made me mad?

Would you have been a little rapper like your papa da Piper?

Would you have made me quit’smokin’ by finding one of my lighters?

I wonder about your skintone and shape of your nose?

And the way you would have laughed and talked fast or slow?

Think about it every year, so I picked up a pen

Happy birthday, love you whoever you woulda been

Happy birthday…

what I thought was a dream (make a wish)

Was as real as it seemed (happy birthday)

What I thought was a dream (make a wish)

Was as real as it seemed

I made a mistake

I’ve got a millon excuses to why you died

Bet the people got their own reasons for homicide

Who’s to say it woulda worked, and who’s to say it wouldn’t have?

I was young and strugglin’ but old enough to be your dad

The fear of being my father has never disappeared

Pondering frequently while I’m sippin’ on my beer

My vision of a family was artificial and fake

So when it came time to create I made a mistake

Now you’ve got a little brother maybe he’s really you?

Maybe you really forgave us knowin’ we was confused?

Maybe everytime that he smiles it’s you proudly knowin’ that your father’s doin’ the right thing now?

I never tell a woman what to do with her body

But if she don’t love children then we can’t party

Think about it every year, so I picked up a pen

Happy birthday, love you whoever you woulda been

Happy birthday…

-

made a mistake…

can’t stop thinking about you, I’m sacrificing the convenience of my life for yours ..

you don’t even have a say.

if i did, i would do everything.. to make sure that you had EVERYTHING . You would be my everything and I would dedicate my life to you. I know it won’t be easy, people think I don’t realise that but I know that. If this has already happened, you just have to pick up, take the responsibility and undo a mistake and turn it into something special . After all it is a life, a gift from God. I’d change my whole life so you get the best of everything, you deserve the best. I want so much to have you, and take care of you. I’d love you, teach you everything I learnt so you don’t have to go through what I did. I just want so much for you.

I am in no position to take it away, to decide.. to plan a date for your death. I didn’t think it would be like this, but it is and it is tearing me apart. My head’s in turmoil, I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to do anything, it’s just getting closer to Friday.

Sigh. I act fine, laugh it off. Make jokes about it. But that’s just not how it is.

Never knew I would feel this, it hurts. Something that’s mine and so very precious, is just going to go like this. Makes me realise how stupid I am.

I pray every night, every night cry and pray for forgiveness for committing such a disgusting and repulsive act. But I only have myself to blame, I don’t wish this hurt and pain upon anyone. It pulls on heartstrings that have been untouched. I can’t ignore this hurt, the feeling that I’m going to lose something… something that feels like everything.

Fuck it hurts. But soldier on, no use being weak. What’s done is done. But you will never be forgotten, you never came to be but you already were my everything. I don’t want to let you go but this is just how it is. The love I have for you, is not something I’ve ever felt before but, its real. I guess because I’ve fucked up my life hard this feels like the biggest fuck of my life because I’m not fucking my own life, I’m fucking an innocent life who never had a say. That’s what hurts the most the most, I’m chucking the best gift I’ve ever been given away. That is hurt and that is why I grieve.

God forgive me.

_I love you.